I wish I could teleport
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
