My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Randomize
