I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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