May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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