shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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