i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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