we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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