My liver just broke up with me...
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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