I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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