DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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