You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
