Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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