I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
