Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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