So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
