I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
