even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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