i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
