mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
