I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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