Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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