also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
