Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
