sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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