Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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