I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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