So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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