and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
