go do what you do best...puke behind churches
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
