almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
