I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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