New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
