If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
