you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
True college students do jello shots in the library
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