I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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