Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
