i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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