I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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