I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
