Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
