I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
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