life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
smell my finger.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
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