i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I would ride that face into the sunset
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
