Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
