Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
