I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
