She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
