Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
