Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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