4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
