Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
