I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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